It’s been hard to blog lately and the biggest reason for that is that I just climbed out of yet another Crohn’s flare.

It’s galling to admit, and somehow feels like a personal failure, but it has reared it’s ugly head and I was once again caught in the undertow.

It actually started last February but was really mild. I altered by diet and started eating the SCD intro diet. It seemed like it was getting better but after a month of minimal progress, I went into the doc and made the hard decision to start another temporary medication.

After that, it felt like a series of concessions. In May, I tried eating the AIP modification for SCD since I still felt like I wasn’t getting better as rapidly as I wanted to. I added in yoga and removed as much stress as possible from my life. While yoga was an incredible addition and I’m so glad I’ve found it, it didn’t stop the flare. At the end of May, we left for a much anticipated European vacation. Reluctantly, I agreed to increase one of my medications.

I think what sparked the craziness is the European trip. The combination of lack of sleep and new foods (although I still ate 100% on my diet and made the majority of my food there- more about that in another blog post) I think my body just couldn’t handle it. It mostly held together while we were in Europe and then promptly fell apart when we got home.

Within a week of getting back from Europe, the flare had spiraled into something unmanageable by diet and minor medication modification. Two ER visits and an emergency abscess surgery removal later, I made the decision to temporarily go on Remicade again to try and stop the madness. While the SCD diet has helped me maintain my health for 2 years, it wasn’t working and I was running out of options. It’s so frustrating and feels like a personal defeat but it’s where we’re at.

One thing that has been running through my head in the last 12 months and was only re-enforced as I lay in the hospital bed recovering from the surgery, is my inability to control my health. One of the amazing things about eating the way that I do is that it has given me back a much needed sense of control and I feel like I can actually effect some positive change in my life. However, this sense of control is ultimately incomplete. I’m not in control. I cannot cure myself from this disease and no medication or diet can either.

God is in control though. This is true for everyone but I think being chronically ill gives you a panoramic view of this inescapable fact. God controls healing; we don’t. Eating healthy can help you be healthy. Eating the way that I do mitigates some of the effects of this awful disease but I can’t fiot my cure.

Nowadays I am much better. I’m still on some heavy duty meds but I’ve persisted with the scd diet and the combination seems to be working. It’s not what I want but I’m grateful to be healthy again. As I continue to heal, I hope to rely more on the diet. For now, it’s in God’s hands.